Comebacks At Work: Using Conversation to Master Confrontation - A new book by Kathleen Readon
Kathleen is a professor, artist and person with Parkinson’s. She lives in Jamestown, RI with her husband, Chris, co-author of their new book and she goes to the YMCA – West Bay Parkinson’s exercise group on Mondays and Thursdays at 12:30. Kathleen has written several other books, but this one is relevant to most of us whether we work or not, volunteer or just try to get things done each day. Here are some of her thoughts:
No doubt you’ve been put on the spot or cornered in conversation or didn’t quite feel you could say what you wanted to say. Maybe this happened with your doctor, spouse, friend, son or daughter. There just didn’t seem to be a good way to tell them what you were thinking. Then, to make matters worse, you wasted hours— maybe even days—dwelling on the event and rolling it over and over in your mind. Then, suddenly in it came to you. “I should have said....”
This happens to all of us sometimes, and to a good many of us quite often. We experience a kind of “brainfreeze.” It’s when the words just don’t come to mind, which can wreak havoc with our relationships. And it can become more of a problem when you have PD.
If you find yourself in this kind of situation often, you’re certainly not alone. I’ve been teaching, researching and consulting in the field of communication for over two decades and have spent a lot of time with people in business helping them learn what to say in a variety of difficult situations. Having a joint position in preventive medicine, I studied how to communicate to obtain optimal healthcare. And one important ingredient is a repertoire of comebacks that allows us to respond effectively to doctors and other healthcare workers when they don’t seem to be hearing or accepting what we have to say.
No one is born a comeback expert. It takes trial and error, adherence to a set of principles about communication, and practice of an array of options. What it doesn’t do is require you to be someone other than yourself—just a more astute version. And you don’t have to turn into a communication pro overnight. The most expert among us, even those people who seem to know what to say under any and all circumstances, have their “If only I’d said” moments.
Each of us is at least 75% responsible for how people treat us is how we describe it in the book. If someone says to you, “That idea is stupid,” you’re at a choice point. You can lash back at the person or you can decide that advancing the idea is more important or that despite what he said, you’d like to maintain this relationship. One possible response: “I thought so too at first. But a lot of new ideas seem that way” and then go on to explain your idea as if this person didn’t insult you at all. This is called giving the other person a chance to do the right thing.
If your doctor doesn’t seem to understand you, it could be that you’re not communicating clearly. It could also be that he or she is not hearing what you think is important for other reasons. Maybe you don’t want to upset or annoy your doctor, so you say nothing when he doesn’t hear you, instead of using a lead-in phrase like: “It seems that what you heard is not what I intended” or “Usually we’re in sync, but today we’re not quite connecting. Let me try again.”
Communication happens so fast that people say things before they’ve thought them through. If you don’t give them the chance to reflect on their error or misjudgment and instead attack or say nothing, then a mistake on their part may lead to a permanent ending to what might otherwise be a good relationship.
Maybe you or someone in your family has a boss who is insulting. These situations usually call for more direct comebacks such as, “I’m wondering if what I heard was what you meant to say?” or “If I reply in kind, we’ll both be out of line.” In order to make him or her think twice next time, you might want to say, “You’re my boss, but that doesn’t mean anything goes.” If that’s too strong, there are many milder ways to make a person think twice before continuing in a negative pattern with you. There are comebacks that buy time like, “That’s an interesting twist,” “Hmmm, I hadn’t thought of it that way,” “You may want to say that again – you know, differently.”
In the book we have a short-cut method for remembering comeback types. It’s called the R-list and includes ways to revise what others say, such as reframe, revisit, restate, rebuke, and retaliate, is useful. Or you can take something negative and actually use it in a positive way.
If someone says, “You’re stubborn.” Instead of getting angry you could simply say, “You’re right. I am persistent.” Stubborn and persistent describe similar ways of being, but persistent is respected more. It’s a tweaking of words. Sometimes that’s all it takes.
We have a website (www.comebacksatwork.com). Drop by if you have a chance. We’ll be starting a section on comebacks in health and comebacks for people with PD.
Kathleen
Kathleen K. Reardon and Christopher Noblet, HarperCollins, 2010. (amazon link: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0061771023/ref=s9_simh_gw_p14_d0_i1?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_r=133HS1M5FCXP5RK8GDF5&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=470938631&pf_rd_i=507846
<< Back to List - Email this Page